I think I swore I would remember this year, but I think I forgot . . . or almost. Who really knows, right? I think about five or six days before I started feeling “off”. I have switched up my workout routine so I was thinking it was maybe that. I always look at what I have eaten. I thought maybe it was that. I have not been great about drinking (what I consider to be) enough water so I was thinking it could be that. Then two or three days later I just was feeling “icky” I kept looking at all of the aforementioned things but none of that seemed right as the reason for my “off” feelings. One thing that is so frustrating or baffling . . . depending on the moment of introspection . . . is that the feeling or sensation is so difficult to describe. It is a feeling of doom or dread or sadness or just screw-it-all that just does not make sense, combined with confusion and indecision and some giddiness and grumpiness pretty much all at once. And the physical sensation is an ache in the stomach . . . no, the back . . . no, right under the ribs . . . no, the heart . . . no, the spine . . . no, the . . . get what I am saying? And not always just an ache, but a stab or tingling or a dryness or a sweaty-ness. Basically it is just OFF. And, again, when everything is examined there isn’t really anything exact to point out to account for this . . . but . . AH HA!
Communicated via writing and heavily medicated
So, my mom’s death certificate states 04/11/14, but that is not the date she picked. She picked March 31. She had a mangled esophagus, partly due to delayed diagnosed cancer and partly due to a medical error, but when she went into the hospital on March 22, 2014 she didn’t know that she would not be leaving and that when they placed a tube in her throat to allow her to breath she would have to pick the day they took it out telling her that is the day she would die. Well, she didn’t die die on March 31st, but she was gone then. They removed the tube and put her in a medical coma so that we could watch her die slowly for the next 10 days.
I have stated before the body knows trauma. I had posted about it in a complete different context, but I think death of a loved one is trauma and I think the body remembers it. And even though the death certificate states 04/11/14 because that is when her heart stopped she was actually gone from us when they put her to sleep and removed the tubes.
So, I think that I get a feeling of doom or dread or sadness or just screw-it-all that just does not make sense, combined with confusion and indecision and some giddiness and grumpiness pretty much all at once. And I physically sense an ache in my stomach . . . no, my back . . . no, right under my ribs . . . no, my heart . . . no, my spine, no . . . accompanied by a stab or tingling or a dryness or a moistness. I think you may get what I am saying.
I also think sitting at home and not being able to be out and about and seeing friends and family might have exacerbated “things” this year.
I believe that many of you may feel the same way . . . and maybe many of you can’t put your finger on it. But now maybe we will remember.
